Ways of loving
by Xian-Kar
Summary: After he parted with Gon, Killua started a new journey with Alluka. But Gon has followed them into their adventures! Alluka is not willing to share his brother, but Gon won't give up…shounen-ai / yaoi / Killua x Gon /Killugon / Kirugon
1. We meet again

_**1\. We meet again**_

Alluka stared carefully from the airplane seat at her brother and his friend. The boys were looking through the window in opposite directions, both with their arms crossed against their chest. There was an awkward silence which Alluka could not bear anymore. Someone had to break the ice

-Stop arguing! - she finally yelled

-but I am not! _He_ is the one who's being difficult- said Gon

-Me? Seriously? You are the stubborn one who does whatever you want without permission- Killua replied

-But Alluka said it was ok to go with you!-

-Well, she is not in charge!-

-I don't understand why won't you let me go with you...-

-I already told you, it's dangerous. And I won't be able to protect both of you, I need to take care of Alluka-

-I don't care if it's dangerous, you have always been with me at moments even more dangerous than this. Besides, I don't need you to protect me, now I'll take care of you both- Gon looked at him with determination

-that's not the point...- said Killua as he looked away

-then what is it?-

-I...- he couldn't find an answer

-if you don't have anything else to say, then I'm going-

Killua was thinking of an answer when the flight attendant called for all passengers to fasten their seat belts. They were about to land

-Ok fine, do whatever you want...- he stretched his arms and rested his hands on the back of his head, as if he suddenly lost all interest in the conversation. This caused an instant smile on his friend's face. That smile...it was like magic to him. It caused an effect on him that he could never fully understand. Gon turned to chat with Alluka, Killua stared at him for a long moment, thoughtful...

 _"My point is that even if I say that I won't protect you, I will do it anyway, and that is the real danger"._

* * *

The plane was heading to a huge and uninhabited forest, home to all sorts of gigantic species of trees and unknown animals and other beings, among them, a nen remover who lived there as a hermit. A few days ago, the Zoldyek siblings had started a journey to seek for the origin of Alluka's ability and a way to separate her from Nanika if possible, or at least to control it's power. In that journey they found out about this nen remover who was extremely difficult to find, but they were convinced that something could be done by nen removing.

When they parted to the colossal forest, Gon had track them without being noticed and showed up in their same flight, determined to join them in their quest. After they parted a few months ago, Gon had missed Killua so badly that he felt the need to find him. After all the time they had spent together for a long time, he had gotten used to being with him. Moreover, he felt in debt with his friend for all he had put him through when he selfishly decided to throw his life away to fight Pitou, and Killua was there to save him. Now he wanted to help him somehow and going with him and his sister was the only way he could think of helping at that moment.

The plane landed in a small prairie between the massive trees, which served as a tourist spot for taking pictures. There were no services in that forest. The tourist guide gave them some information and advice about the place as they walked around a few meters

-This forest has a unique flora and fauna. Everything is gigantic and has its own species of animals and plants. It is said that a long time ago indigenous tribes inhabited within the woods, but they disappeared because of the man-eaters plants. That's why they grew so tall, because of the human nutrients. Now please don't touch anything, take a few pictures with no flash, and head back to the plane…-

As she kept talking, the three children waved her goodbye and ventured into the woods

-hey you three! What do you think you are doing?-

-Thank you for everything miss, we are staying here-

-haven't you heard a word I said about this place? It's suicide! I'm sorry but I will have to call security if you intend to go any further. I can't let a group of children go…- she ran chasing them, alarmed. Once she got closer, she stared at Killua and Gon for a moment- huh? Have we met before, kids?

-ehhh!?- Gon pointed at her with his finger, suddenly surprised- you are the guide that took us to Kukuru mountain!

-really? to my house?- Killua asked surprised

-but you...! you are alive! how did you...what are you, kids!?- The girl looked at them, both frighten and amazed, and then rushed to the plane along with the rest of the tourists

Gon, Killua and Alluka walked into the woods. They didn't know where to start looking. Killua climbed a tree to have a better view, but all trees where equally big, so it was no use. Gon climbed with him, but instead of looking around, he closed his eyes and sharpened his nose to scent something

-I can smell fire coming from that way- he pointed east of Killua

-seriously, what are you? some kind of dog?- he thought out loud

They went down again and started walking in that direction

-I'm glad I could be helpful- Gon said, cheering up

They walked peacefully for two hours. Gon and Killua sometimes discussed their strategy to find this nen user, but they mostly continued their way in silence, watching carefully for any sign of wild creatures.

-brother, I'm bored- whined Alluka taking his hand

-I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do about it- he replied with his eyes fixed on the road.

Gon looked at her sad face and felt sorry for her

-What if we play something in the meantime?- he asked her cheerfully

-sure, you play with her, while I try to keep us alive- said Killua with sarcasm, letting go of her hand and going ahead

Alluka scowled at his back. Gon had offered to take her hand with a smile, but she just looked away and kept walking, leaving Gon puzzled. After a while she spoke

-how did you become friends with my brother?-

-well, I'm not really sure- he looked at the sky, thoughtful. Killua continued walking ahead but listening carefully to the conversation- but...since the moment we met, I thought he was cool, and I wanted to be his friend

When he heard that, Killua blushed a little, but said nothing

-we met during the hunter's exam and before I realized, we had stuck together. But now that I think about it, I guess it was when he told me about your family that I started to be considered as his friend by him-

-that's not true- Killua interrupted- we became friends ever since we ran together in the first phase of the exam-

-oh, right. Hehehe- Gon smiled, rubbing his head- But because you were a little jealous of Leorio and Kurapika at first, I was not sure if you were that interested in me

-what do you mean by jealous?- Killua had turned back and walked towards them

-who are Kurapika and Leorio?- asked Alluka, but they carried on their conversation without paying attention to her questions

-...yes but I told you first that you were my best friend- continued Gon

-no you didn't, you only said that to Biscuit when we were going to meet Kite. I said it long before…- denied Killua

-what biscuit? which kite?- Alluka felt ignored again

-... I was the one who asked you to stay by my side that time in Whale Island- recalled Gon

\- well, you met my family before you introduced me to Mito-san...- continued Killua

-STOP LEAVING ME OUT OF THE CONVERSATION!- interrupted Alluka- I already know you are good friends

-sorry Alluka-chan- Gon smiled at her

-brother, I'm tired, carry me please- she said, standing between them

-ok, but just for a little-

She leapt into his arms and kissed him on a cheek. When Killua wasn't looking, she stuck her tongue out at Gon, who laughed. His nice attitude towards her was driving her nuts.

They kept walking a little further, until Killua started to feel tired

-ok let's rest for a moment- he said once they reached a river. He put his sister down

-have you noticed? the tourist guide said we should be careful with the animals, but it's been very quiet for a while- observed Gon

-I know, it's been troubling me too. We should use this opportunity to rest, but we still need to be alert-

Gon nodded -ok, you stay here with your sister, I will go and get us some dinner. I will be right back-

After a few minutes Gon came back with a huge fish, almost as big as the Master of the Swamp (and it was the smallest he could find). He found Killua playing around with his sister, carrying her on his shoulders, so cheerfully. Gon walked slowly towards them to admire that moment for a little longer. He had never seen his friend laughing so naturally and innocently. Gon was always the cheerful one, and he never realized how cute and radiant Killua could be when he was happy. He stared at them for another minute, until Killua noticed he was back, waving at him. The three of them started a fire to prepare dinner

-here, take this, this one is well cooked- Killua handed Alluka a grilled fish, blowing it to cool it down a bit before she ate it- be careful, it's really hot

Gon stared at them with sparkling eyes

-what...what is your problem? why are you looking at me like that?! - Killua asked, disturbed

-nothing, it's just that you are such a cool big brother. Alluka is so lucky to have you... and Alluka is so cute too, I think I'm a little jealous-

-w-what are you talking about… You always say such things so lightly, it's embarrassing- he said, his cheeks turning slightly red

-but it's true! you are like a manga hero. I wish I had an older brother or sister- his eyes suddenly turned watery

-don't be silly, older brothers can be very annoying- he replied, taking a big chunk of his fish. He continued without even finishing it- Take Illumi… or Milluki for example! you don't want one of those...-he paused to swallow and noticed that comment didn't make his friend feel any better. In fact, he seemed about to cry- besides... you don't need a brother when you have me to look after you... idiot- he patted his friend's head gently and looked away, too embarrassed to look him in the eyes.

Gon sobbed, touched by his friend's words. He looked at him tenderly

\- Killua...- he whispered in a sweet voice

There was a moment of silence, and Alluka stared at them, feeling the tension.

-hey brother!- she jumped on him, and grabbed him by his arm- I'm sleepy, can we go to bed together?

-yes, sure. I'll go prepare a decent bed. I will just look for some branches and...-

But just before he finished, he suddenly froze for a second, pushing Alluka away. He had to jump to dodge a huge wild boar-like animal attacking them out of nowhere

-Gon!- he thought fast- take Alluka to somewhere safe!-

-I want to stay with you brother!- she cried

But Gon was busy fighting a new boar by himself -I'm trying!- he shouted while dodging one of the beast's huge spiky horns

Alluka had already ran away from them back into the woods. She tried to climb a tree, but she was too afraid, she kept slipping and falling on the ground. When she finally reached a branch with her hand, a third boar hit the trunk, making her let go of the branch. Just before she reached the ground, Gon managed to catch her in the air, but when they were about to land the boar hit them once again. Gon blocked the attack with his aura to avoid damage, but he wasn't fast enough. The impact sent them away several meters, falling into the river. The current dragged them quickly, violently hitting them against the rocks. Alluka had passed out instantly, Gon tried by all means to protect her with his own body from the rocks. Gon still had his fishing rod with him, and he managed to reach shore hanging from a tree. He carried Alluka to a safe place into a cave, and then passed out too.

When Gon woke up, his body was still numb by the cold and his wounds, but he noticed some sort of bandages around his arm and ankle. Alluka was sitting in a corner, holding her knees against her chest

-Alluka...are you ok?- his voice sounded weak. His head spun, he could still feel blood coming out of his head. He fought the need to close his eyes.

-yes- she replied without turning to him- thanks to you

-I'm glad to hear that- he whispered, and his sight slowly faded to black again

He woke up a few hours later, he felt strong enough to stand up without help. When he opened his eyes, Alluka was in the same position

-I'm sorry we got separated from your brother- he said, sitting next to her- are you cold?

But she didn't answer. Gon thought she might have been crying, he didn't know what to do

-are you hungry? are you afraid? do you... want to play a game?-

No reply. Still her face hidden between her arms- I'm sorry Alluka, I don't know what to do. I'm a terrible big brother.

-Gon...- she finally said in a dry, distant voice, which seemed different than usual- can you give me your jacket?

-sure! here- he covered her back with it, happy to do something for her

At that moment, she had turned her face to him.

-are you afraid, Gon?- she stared at him

-no! no of course not! Why would I? everything is fine, we will soon find your brother...-

-Gon... can I have a lock of your hair?-

-why would you want...-but just before he finished the question, he realized the situation. The jacket was the first request, this was the second. And he couldn't refuse them. He remembered what Killua said about the conditions. _"The next one will be more difficult to fulfill"_ , he recalled, as a drop of sweat came down his face

-take it- he said, pulling a lock of hair- you can keep it to remember me- he said with a gentle smile

Alluka stared at it for a moment in silence, and then asked- Gon... if I asked you to give me your life, would you give it to me?

-hmmm- he crossed his arms against his chest and raised an eyebrow, with a troubled and thoughtful face- it depends on what you want to do with it- he answered sincerely- But… if I had to give my life to save you, I wouldn't doubt it.

-why?- she said, hiding her face again between her knees

-because you are Killua's most important person in the world, and if something happens to you, he couldn't be happy, ever again. And if he is not happy, I can't be happy either-

-Gon...what do you wish?-

Gon didn't expect that question yet. Starting to think about it, maybe she already had asked for something else before, and he didn't realize. She turned to him again, her face was now pale white and had no eyeballs. It wasn't the first time Gon had seen Nanika, but he still wasn't used to those sudden changes

-are you afraid now, Gon?-

-no, I... I'm just a little surprised- he didn't want her, or "them" to feel offended- I have no reason to be afraid

-do you wish something, Gon?-

He stared at her for a brief moment, there was no fear or greed in his eyes. Only his most honest feelings

-I want to be friends with Alluka- he finally said

He could see how those black, empty eyeballs were slowly filled with teardrops. The more Alluka tried to reject Gon, the more gentle and caring he was to her. And as much as she was jealous of him for his close relationship with his brother, she just couldn't dislike him

-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry! -said Gon standing up, alarmed

-She says she wants to be your friend too, because you are brother's best friend- answered Alluka in a sweet voice, sobbing. She suddenly hugged him, and almost instantly fell asleep on his lap.

-I'm so happy- he said, and covered her with his jacket once again

Next morning, Gon had fully recovered from his wounds, so they went out looking for Killua

-the river current was very strong, I doubt he could catch up. We must go back to where we got separated- Gon observed

He carried Alluka to a safe place in a tree, climbing to the top to get some orientation. He was looking carefully, when he suddenly saw a big lightning rushing through the forest towards them. He went down for Alluka as fast as he could, but when he got there, the lighting had already reached them.

-Killua! it was you- Gon claimed, surprised

-where the heck have you been!- Alluka had jumped to hug him

-I tried to follow the river as fast as I could, but then it was divided in two streams and I guess I followed the wrong one. This morning came a thunderstorm, and I could charge myself fully to find you-

-good thinking!- said Gon energetic, and gave him a high five

Alluka gave him a dirty look- Gon-Kun, don't think because we are friends now I have given you my brother. He is mine- she said, pulling Killua's arm close to her

-huh? but he is my friend! then he is mine too- Gon held his other arm

-w-what do you think you are doing! cut it out! both of you!- he said with his face completely red- and what's that "Gon-kun" thing about?

-Killua is such a cute brother when he is overprotective with Alluka-chan- said Gon in a sweet voice- you two are the best brother and sister, aren't you?

-I love my brother more than anything in the world. When I grow up I'm going to marry him-

-huhhhh!?- yelled Gon in astonishment by the words he had heard, letting go of Killua.

-Alluka! stop saying that! that was cute when you were like 3 years old... but now it's just... disturbing -

-well then, can I marry Gon-kun?-

-what!? absolutely not! Gon, what have you done to her when I was away!-

-nothing, I just look after her- he looked at him, puzzled- but I'm really loving this overprotective Killua- this time he was staring at him with a serious look, blushing a little

Killua coughed and changed the subject, although he was flattered - anyway, let's just keep walking...-


	2. An unexpected guest

**2\. An unexpected guest**

Four days had passed since the Zoldyek siblings and their friend Gon started their quest into the colossal forest. Alluka and Gon were getting along much better now, in fact, so good that it was almost annoying for Killua. Not because of the fact of both his dearest person creating a good relationship. No, that was actually a huge success and progress. The only problem was that he couldn't see the same progress with their objective, and Killua blamed that on the other two having too much fun…

-can you guys stop that?- Killua had just came back from the daily patrol of the area when he found Gon and Alluka in a compromising position- What the hell are you guys…you know what, I won't even care to ask, lets keep moving

-Oh hi, you are back!- said Gon, letting go of Alluka, who was lying on the ground underneath him- we were just training

-oni-chan!- Alluka smiled at him, and got up with Gon's help.

-oni-chan my ass… I don't even know what kind of training is this Gon, what are you up to?- he had gotten really close to him, poking his chest with his finger

-Hey! I am just trying to teach her something useful to defend herself with no need to use her power, you don't need to be so rude- Gon was now frowning at him and leaning forward

-oh yeah? You know what else is useful? how about watching the perimeter for anything that could eat us alive? Now tell me, how will these gymnastics be any good if we don't even know someone is coming to attack us?-

-I already told you, there is no one in this forest except us, no one is coming to attack us!-

-well I hope you are wrong about that! Then what the fuck are we doing here in the middle of nowhere! We are just wasting our time…- Killua turned around, frustrated, but he stood in his place without moving. Gon could tell he was really upset

-I… I didn't mean it in that way. I meant… we haven't heard any airplane coming into the forest since we landed here…I didn't mean…-

Killua began to walk away from him, slowly. Alluka followed him in silence

Killua…- Gon grabbed his friend's wrist, gently, but strong enough to make him stop. He still didn't turn to him- I really didn't mean that, and I didn't mean to make you upset…

-whatever…- his voice still sounded very upset. He lost his temper, but he hated to see Gon feeling bad or guilty, and he knew he could not stay mad at him for too long- I don't care…-

\- I'm sorry…-said Gon looking at his feet, now holding on to his friend's hand

Killua now sighed and turned to him

-its fine, really- this time his voice sounded sincere

Gon looked up

– Killua… we will find this guy and help Alluka, I swear- he looked at him with determination

Killua nodded with the same determination, squeezing Gon's hand tight.

\- Ok I am ready- Alluka walked between the two of them, making them let go of each other's hands- what are you doing standing there? Let's go. Enough playing around-

She was expecting to get yelled at by Killua, and Gon to laugh, but they were both standing there, speechless and with a worried look in their faces

-guys…?-

-shhhh- Killua brought one finger to his lips

-did you feel that too?- asked Gon, concerned

-someone is coming…really fast-

-But such amount of aura…I have never felt…- _"wait"_ Gon suddenly realized _"this feels somehow familiar, like when I fought Hisoka… but it's not him…"_. He turned to Killua, who was now frozen and shaking.

-Killua?-

-Illumi…it's Illumi. I know it's him- his voice was shaky, his eyes opened wide

-ok, let's think this through- Gon rushed

-we are not fighting him…don't even think about it-

-ok but let me come up with some plan…-

-…he is going to kill us-

-wait, let me just…think-

-He is coming! - Killua yelled - Gon…run!-

-will you just shut up for a second! I have a plan-

-but…-

-use your god speed to take Alluka as far as you can to a safe place, I will stay here as a distraction…-

-no! I can't leave you, that's suicide-

-listen, I will only fight him to buy some time, I will not fight for real. Only until you have enough time to come back for me. I know you will. I will be counting on that-

Gon gave him a warm smile. Suddenly Killua's face looked more at ease. He could now think more clearly, and that plan sounded not a bad idea at all. He hesitated one moment

-only if you swear you won't die… or do anything stupid-

-I swear- Gon looked at him with determination- trust me. Now, go

He stared at Gon, like if it was the last moment he would see him. That very thought made him sick and turned his stomach. He wanted to move but he could just not stop looking at Gon. He already had Alluka with him, but he could not get his feet to move.

-GO!- Gon turned around and ran away from them

 _"fuck!"_ Killua had no choice but to carry on with the plan _"fuck, fuck, fuck! How did this happen!? There is no time for regret now, every second is precious, I need to hurry"_ he thought as he quickly released his aura and ran as far and fast as he could into the woods _"Gon…I will come for you…I am sorry…I will come for you. I will. Hold on. Just don't die…please, please don't die"._

Gon ran in the direction of the threatening aura, certain of what he would encounter. He suddenly stopped and waited for it to come, anxious. The aura also stopped moving. Illumi came out from behind a tree, walking slowly towards him

-oh? It's you- Illumi looked slightly surprised by seeing Gon. Then he looked around, looking for something

-he is not here, he already left with Alluka. No point to look for him-

Illumi could feel the fear in Gon's voice, but not the slightest note of hesitation

-hmm what a pain… now it will take me days to chase them down. I should start now… but I also really want to kill you… how troublesome- he rested a finger on under his chin, and looked up, thoughtful

\- oh I know! – he suddenly snapped his fingers- I could torture you until you tell me where Killua and that other thing are heading and what they are planning. And then I can kill you-

There was a moment of silence

-take that back-

Illumi tilted his head and looked at him, puzzled

-Alluka is not a thing, she is your sister…- Gon paused- No…you are not qualified to be her brother, or Killua's-

-Again with that? I already told you I don't need to qualify for anything, and as for that… thing…-

But Gon had landed his fist in the middle of his face before Illumi could finish his sentence

-I said… she is not a thing- Gon's voice was now shaking. Not with fear but with anger

Illumi took a long moment to recover, speechless. It seemed to Gon like he was carefully studying his words

\- I see…- he fixed his bleeding nose with a needle, not an inch of his face showed any expression- you have improved quite a lot. I understand why Hisoka still wants you. Well, it doesn't matter now since you are going to die anyway-

-I will not die until I see your ugly face beaten, and then make you apologize to Killua and Alluka-

-oh? Why would I apologize to Killua? All I have done has been only to protect my little brother from scum like you. You, on the other hand. You have only caused him trouble and pain. What have you done to protect him?-

That hit Gon like an ice dagger. What had he indeed done to protect Killua?

– what are you trying to say?-

\- You were going to end you life even after Killua sacrificed everything for you. You were going to leave him, and he could not have bared that. He would have killed himself and that would have been your fault. And that only proves me right from the beginning. Killua needs no friends, Killua has no friends-

Gon was speechless. He knew Illumi was talking about his fight with Pitou. He knew all of that already. He knew what he had done to Killua. The past days he had been doing nothing else but trying to mend what he did, but deep in his heart he knew the damage was done. And now there he was, putting himself in danger again, making Killua worried, about to lose control again. He could not forgive himself, he felt like the most worthless piece of trash and he knew he deserved it.

He knew all of this, yet the only person he did not want to hear that from was Illumi.

-you are not his friend, he does not need you. I bet he didn't even wanted you to come with them-

-shut up!- Gon had lost his patience

-He has a new toy to play with now, he doesn't want you anymore-

-shut the fuck up!-

-but deep down you know its true, that's why you are angry-

-no! that's not true, I…- Gon's voice broke, he began to sound insecure.

Illumi now slowly walked toward him, his aura made Gon step back. He was terrified. He couldn't tell if it was because of the blood-lust Illumi emitted, or because of his words. At some point his feet were not responding. He was just standing there, sweating, frozen. "He would have killed himself" The words echoing in his head. It was that image that woke him up from that paralyzing terror. The fear of Killua dying was bigger than his fear of Illumi itself. _"I cannot die here. I promised him"._ And that fear suddenly turned into rage.

Illumi was still slowly walking towards him, Gon suddenly started walking on his direction too. His aura had suddenly increased with every step, stomping, leaving his footprint as he walked.

-you…you know nothing about Killua. You know nothing about us. Don't you dare talk about him, don't you even dare say his name… now leave us or… I will kill you- he looked directly into his eyes

Illumi stopped for a brief second to admire that deep, aggressive look.

\- so you will fight me? You are not running away?-

Gon prepared himself to fight

 _"I'm sorry Killua, I know I said I wouldn't do anything stupid. But now I have to beat the shit out of this guy"_

* * *

Killua found a cabin in the middle of the woods. He rushed inside checking if there was anyone in there. The place looked dusty and old, like nobody had lived there in years. Like nobody was planning on going back there in the next few years. It looked safe enough for now. Either way, it was their best and only option at the moment. He gently placed Alluka on the couch and rushed again back outside to get Gon. His feet where already aching from the many kilometers he had ran, although only 10 minutes had passed since he left Gon.

He thought it would be hard to locate Gon since he would be running around while Illumi would be chasing him. But to his surprise he felt a huge amount of a aura coming from one place. He finally reached the place where he found Gon and Illumi fighting

From the distance he could see Gon, badly injured, and Illumi, holding him with one hand from his neck, strangling him. Without stopping, Killua rushed to kick his brother in the stomach and getting Gon, all in one movement, just to keep running back to the cabin.

 _"he probably fainted because of the pain"_ Killua looked at his friend's wounds with guilt. His face was swollen, his hands bleeding, his entire body bruised. _"Damn it, I told you to not over do it"_ he though, and he realized even he was also exhausted. _"You worked so hard, and your plan actually worked. He is not even following us. I'm glad",_ he sighed, relieved.

When they reached the cabin, Alluka was waiting by the window. She ran outside when she saw them

-Gon-kun!- Alluka looked at him, horrified by his wounds- oh brother, is he ok?

-He will be- He carried him inside. There was barely any furniture in the place. He placed is friend gently on the old couch in the living room.

-I will try to stop the bleeding a bit with nen for now. Alluka, can you go get water from that well outside? And find some towels or a piece of cloth-

She ran outside. As soon as she left Gon talked

-Killua…- his eyes were still closed- I am sorry. I made you worried again

-It's fine now, I am glad you are alive- Killua smiled, relieved. He came close to him to help him seat, but then stopped as he saw the tears running down Gon's face, who was now covering his eyes with his arms, in shame.

-I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being so week, for putting myself in danger again. I was so scared. Not only because of Illumi, but scared of myself. I wanted to kill him, Killua. I would have killed him if had the power to do it-

-Gon…-Killua swallowed, trying not to show his shock at his friend's words. Gon had never spoken of killing someone like that before

-I was so angry, I almost went out of control again… I wanted to kill him, but your voice… your voice kept echoing in my head… _"don't die… don't die"_. I survived because of you, Killua. It is always you. Without you I will be lost... I never thought about how you would feel if I died and left you by yourself… Forgive me for being so selfish… and useless…- Gon's voice broke, filled with regret

-Gon, you idiot…- Killua carefully removed Gon's arms from his face. He took one of his hands gently, noticing how injured it was, and held it between his hands- You are not useless. You make me happy, you are the only reason why I could smile again. I am the one who is lost without you. How can you not see that? – He had to pause for a second, otherwise he would have started to cry too- you might not be useless, but you are an idiot for no realizing how much you do for me-

\- Killua… I'm…- he slowly opened his eyes a bit to look at him, although it was hard to opened them with his lids all swollen and bruised

-If you say sorry one more time I will hit you, I don't care if you are injured-

That made Gon let out a laugh, which he instantly regretted, as he could feel the pain coming from a broken rib

-Now that is better. Smiling suits you a lot better. I am the depressive one- he joked

Killua softly wiped his friend's tears with his thumb. Gon smiled at him as he did this, even when every muscle of his face hurt when he did. He held Killua's hand close to his face.

-I missed this smell so much. Killua's special smell- he watched his friend blushing violently, yet he didn't move nor said anything

This was so sudden, that Killua did not know how to react

-Gon-kun…- suddenly another voice came from behind the couch

-Alluka are you back?!- Killua quickly stepped aside from his friend, hoping she didn't hear their conversation- hand me the water and the towels…-

He stopped one second to notice that it was not Alluka but Nanika this time. " _But how?"_ Killua thought, surprised, _"she didn't ask any requests, this shouldn't be_ ". He watched as she gently placed her hands on Gon's body to cure him. Killua observed in silence for a few minutes, and after a while Gon opened his eyes widely, completely recovered. Killua helped him sit, and Alluka instantly fell asleep on Gon's lap. They both looked at each other and smiled.

\- How did that happen?- Gon asked, patting Alluka's back-

\- I don't know. I never really thought of it as a possibility, but it can be that Nanika also has her own will and she can use her power at her convenience-

\- But such power with no conditions required? It seems tricky-

\- it is… but for now that is all we know-

\- yeah we should get some rest now, especially you, after using your ability-

\- I'm more worried about her- Killua looked at Alluka, concerned

\- She is fine, she is probably just cold. Let's light that fireplace up. It is freezing in here after all-

Gon took Alluka in his arms and moved her to the arm chair placed by the fire place, covering her with a blanket. Killua made a spark with his hand and lit up the fire in an instant

\- This forest is really strange indeed. A few kilometers south and there is a complete different climate and weather- Killua noted as he relaxed in the couch

\- eh?!- Gon pointed at the window, surprised- I didn't even notice there was snow outside! How can that that be!

\- Yeah there is a snow storm coming, its probably going to slow us down for a while, but also Illumi. Once it's gone we will already be out of here and he will lose our track-

Gon sat next to him on the couch and took his boots off. Killua also removed his shoes

\- Well, for now we are stuck here, so no use in worrying too much about it. Let's get some rest- said Killua as he laid down on one side of the couch, Gon did the same with his head on the opposite side. Killua closed his eyes, ready to sleep. But something was going to disturb his sleep

\- Oi, what's wrong with you?- he opened one eye

Gon was trembling, trying to warm himself up with his own arms – It's bloody cold…-

Killua sighed

\- Here- he handed him his jacket

\- Are you sure?-

\- Yeah I'm fine. My dad used to take me up to the mountain in winter with no winter clothes and made me survive for 5 days by myself as training. You on the other hand, you come from an island, I doubt you ever even see snow over there, right?-

Gon nodded, grateful of his friend

-Killua you are too good- it was meant as a compliment, but it sounded more like an accusation- I can't take it, I'd feel too week and stupid

Gon gave the jacket back to Killua, and rolled over to sleep, shivering but proud. Killua looked at him and rolled his eyes, he was not in the mood to argue with that stubborn boy

-good night-

-night-

* * *

 _ **Author's note:** Sorry for the long time with no updates! I recently came back to writing and continued all my stories. Originally this chapter was supposed to be longer but I just split it in two because it was way too long. I will update part one now and part two in the next few days after editing. This is my first time writing a fanfic in English, I've always written in Spanish and then translate, but I thought it would be better to "think" in English as I write so that things won't get lost in translation. I'd appreciate feedback! thank you again for reading and I hope you enjoyed._


	3. An unexpected feeling

**3\. An unexpected feeling**

Gon woke up in the middle of the night, shaking. _"Damn it I should have taken that jacket"_ He thought as he looked at his friend peacefully tucked under his jacket and sleeping. He looked so peaceful and warm he almost wished he could hug him. But… couldn't he? He hesitated for one second, and then cuddled him from behind, covering himself under his friend's jacket.

 _"ahhh, this feels so gooood"_ Gon thought with excitement as he rested his hands on Killua's back.

His hands were cold, and Killua could feel them against his back. _"GON!?"_ he restrained himself from yelling, opening his eyes wide although Gon could not see his face. _"What the hell is he doing, what's gotten into him today?"_ He didn't move an inch, he had trouble closing his eyes and trying to go back to sleep. When he finally did, Gon's hand switched from Killua's back to his waist, hugging him tightly against him. The warmth both their bodies were producing between them was so pleasant, Killua almost felt guilty. He fought to keep his eyes closed, but every second it was getting harder. He could feel Gon's soft breath on his neck.

 _"Killua's smell… it's so good and particular. How I missed it"_ Gon was almost falling asleep, until one thought reached him. He opened his eyes and looked at his friend's pale, smooth skin, and wondered how it felt when Alluka kissed him on the cheek. It looked so soft that he wanted to feel it with his lips. The very thought of it made him blush a little. Why? He could not tell. Was it wrong to do it? After all, Alluka always kissed him goodnight.

With that thought, Gon reached over Killua's face, thinking he was asleep, and softly placed his lips on his cheek. Killua could not hold it anymore

-wh-what the hell are you doing!?- Killua instantly turned to him, placing a hand where Gon had kissed him. He tried his best not to yell

-I…just…I was just doing what Alluka does to wish you good night- said Gon as he quickly sat on the couch, his eyes fixed on the floor and playing with his thumbs, embarrassed

Killua raised an eyebrow involuntarily, irritated

\- Idiot, it's not the same! She is my sister… and she is a girl- he also sat, on the other side of the couch, taking some distance

\- Shh you will wake her up, lower your voice. I don't see why its so different with me, I don't get why you make such a big deal of it-

Gon now crossed his arms against his chest and pouted

Even Killua didn't know the answer to that question. Why was it different with Gon?

-I…I don't know why, but it doesn't seem right when you do it- Killua said as he looked away, so that his friend could not see him blush. He then realized those words could make his friend feel bad and rejected, and tried to fix them

\- I mean… not that it's bad, or that I hate it. It's just… It feels weird when you do it, and not when Alluka does it…-

Gon smiled, a bit relieved

-Its ok Killua, I feel the same. I don't get nervous when I kiss Mito-san goodnight. But I did get nervous when I kissed you, for some reason-

Killua still did not look at him. He was staring at the fire, carefully analyzing his friend's words, and his own. His thoughts were interrupted by Gon again

-I'm sure its perfectly normal for us to kiss! – Gon said in a high and mighty tone, as if he was suddenly enlighten by knowledge. Killua looked at him skeptical. To him, Gon sounded more like he was trying to convince himself

– right?- he continued- Specially if we are best friends! Take Leorio and Kurapika for example, I bet they kiss all the time, hahaha. Perfectly normal friendship love demonstration, you don't need to be shy-

Killua face-palmed. A perverted image of Leorio and Kurapika came to his mind, causing him to blush by the thought of himself and Gon doing the same thing

-Gon do you even know what you are saying? I'm pretty sure those two do other kind of "kisses", and probably… other stuff- he said in a low voice, almost talking to himself, since Gon was not even paying attention anyway

-anyway, I'm tired, lets go back to sleep- Killua laid down again and closed his eyes.

A second later, Gon was already behind him again, hugging him by the waist. Killua grumbled pushing him back with his elbow

\- what are you doing! Can't you sleep like a normal person?!-

Killua turned around to face him, he did not expect his reaction.

– don't you like me anymore?- Gon looked at him with watery eyes

-huh?! What are you talking about! Are you stupid?!-

-is it true that you are tired of me? That you don't want to be with me anymore? Am I boring you Killua? - Gon looked down and played with his fingers again, he seemed about to cry

Killua raised his eyebrow again, irritated by his friend's words. He smacked him in the head, and Gon rubbed his head in pain

-how stupid can you be? Do you even have to ask that? You know I like to be with you more than anyone else in the world. I will always want to be with you. Forever-

As he heard these words Gon smiled and looked at him with sparkling eyes, which made Killua embarrassed again. _"I should have measured my words more wisely, maybe that was saying too much"_ He was red from his ears to his toes.

-I want to be with you always too, Killua. I want to you meet Ging- Gon gave him a warm and sincere smile, Killua felt more at ease

-sure… why not. After all, you already know all my family- he smiled

-ok time to sleep now- said Gon, lying next to him

-yeah- Killua joined him

The couch was narrow, and their backs were touching. After a moment of silence, Gon turned around and aimed to kiss him again on the cheek. Killua had just turned to his side at that moment to make himself comfortable, causing Gon to kiss him on the corner of his mouth. Gon did not seem to notice.

\- Good night!- he said, as he turned around, leaving Killua stunned and confused

Feeling Gon's lips close to his own had awoken something in him. He suddenly realized something. He not only liked and cared about Gon. He was also attracted to him. He knew this ever since he met him during the hunter's exam, and he thought his personality was very likable and charmed everyone. But he felt a great, inexplicable attraction to him. Neither of them had many experiences in relationships, friendship or romantic ones. To both of them, it was only natural to care about their best friend in the world the way they did. But something had changed. He suddenly had a flashback of all their moments together. Every time he had cried for him, every time he had suffered for him, and realized that all that self sacrifice was more than just a best friend kind of love. It was far beyond that, and he somehow knew it. Perhaps that is why he unconsciously tried to hide how much he cared for him and restrained from letting Gon watching him cry. From what he could see (and he was a highly perceptive person) Gon did not have any other interest in him other than a good friendship. He was not entirely sure if what he felt for Gon was romantic either, since he had not yet experience something like that. But one thing he knew for sure: this masochist, almost obsessive kind of behavior toward him was more than friendship love, but just now he realized this. Why now?

He stared at Gon's back, as if he could find this answer written in it, and wondered how his thick, black hair would feel between his fingers. His skin, warm and vibrantly tinted, looked so full of life compared to his own pale, cold skin. He wanted to feel that warmth, and embrace it, to cover his whole being with it. He just realized how physically attracted to him he was too. Maybe it was that at his young age he never had the experience (although he was probably more aware than Gon about what a physical relationship was, given the uncontrolled access to internet). But he could not tell if he was curious or if it was genuine physical attraction. Either way, that is why the physical contact was making him so uncomfortable lately. Unlike when they first became friends, somehow all the hugging, and touching, and stuff like showering together seemed now to make him very uncomfortable. Not because he didn't like it, but because he enjoyed it, a little too much. That couldn't be right. He could not let go of this thought now.

His heartbeat suddenly rose. Their bodies were slightly touching, and every time Gon's feet touched his, Killua's heart beat so loud, that he was afraid the sound would wake Gon up.

 _"what is wrong with me…he is my best friend"_ he shut his eyes fighting away the dirty thought in his mind. But it was too late, he was too exited.

Gon turned, still asleep, and his face encountered directly with Killua's. He thought it was the prettiest thing he had ever looked at, so peaceful, so innocent, he almost wanted to rip all that innocence apart. But then he meditated: _"such a beautiful thing should be handled with care"_ he thought as he gently hugged Gon by the waist, bringing his body against his own.

Gon was still sleeping, and Killua wished he could stay like that for a while. He wanted to touch him, to feel him, with his hands, with his lips, with his body. He kissed his forehead, slowly went down to his neck. Gon made a very subtle sound. Killua smiled, and kissed his neck once again

-Killua?- he asked in a sleepy voice, without opening his eyes- what are you doing?

Killua kissed Gon's neck again, now licking it, making him moan a little

Gon opened his eyes

\- Killua, that feels funny-

\- shhh, you can't talk, you'll wake up Alluka- Killua winked, giving him a mischievous smile

Gon nodded

Killua climbed on top of him, kissing now his shoulders. Gon had to bring one hand to his mouth to prevent himself from making any sound. Killua removed his hand and kissed it, gently kissing each one of his fingers. This made Gon let out a sigh, which Killua quickly caught with his mouth in a kiss. Killua could tell that Gon had never kissed someone before, since he didn't react right away. But after a few seconds he opened his mouth, and he answered the kiss, briefly but tenderly. Then he suddenly stopped and pushed him away.

-Killua!- he yelled, his ears burning read- what was that!? I… I can't do this. I feel like my stomach is going to turn at any moment!-

Killua looked at him surprised and slightly blushing

\- Well, you started the whole kissing thing, didn't you?- said Killua with indifference, sitting on the couch, bringing his hands to his pockets.

\- I-I know! But… I don't know what's happening to me, this is making me way too nervous. I feel like I swallowed a hundred birds and they are all lively flitting inside my stomach. I…I have never felt this before- Gon looked at him, concerned-

Killua blushed violently, unable to believe his friend's naïve words. He was so innocent and sincere, he wanted to hug him tightly and fill him with kisses. But on the other hand, he also wanted to tease him. That embarrassed, exited expression in Gon's face made him look even cuter. He just couldn't let go of this opportunity to tease him. He smiled malevolently and sat closer to him. He gently grabbed Gon's wrists and kissed him again, now using his tongue.

-Ki…Ki..llua- Gon tried to resist, but he was also enjoying it too much. He kissed him back, and Killua released his hands to hug him.

-wait… - Gon stopped for a second, panting- Alluka will wake up

-then you need to be quiet, we can't talk or make any sound- he placed a finger on Gon's lips- we can make a bet. Who ever makes a sound or talks loses, and has to obey the other one for a whole day

-heeh?- Gon looked at him, concerned, for he was certain he would loose. He still accepted, only because he hated loosing against Killua. But if he was going to win then he needed to change his strategy

He gathered his strength, not sure of what he was doing, but determined, and sat on Killua's lap. Gon kissed him on the lips and warped his arms around his neck, and his friend answered with a tight hug around his waist. Killua couldn't help letting out a sigh. He blushed, and Gon smiled with satisfaction.

He remembered the feeling of Killua's lips against his neck, and it felt so good that it seemed selfish to keep that feeling to himself. He wanted his friend to feel the same way. He slowly started kissing Killua's neck, gently biting it. _"I'm sure he doesn't to this with Alluka...or anyone"_ he thought, insecure yet willing to carry on. Killua was starting to lose control.

He took off Gon's shirt, and kissed his chest and shoulders, softly feeling his back with his fingers. Gon could not take it anymore.

-Killua…I can't…I…I loose- Gon cried in a low voice

"I want him… I want all of him" this was all Killua could think of at that moment. He was so immersed in that thought that he could not hear his friend whispering his name. He completely forgot about the bet. His hands moved almost by themselves, desperately finding their way in Gon's back to the end of it. When they were all the way down to his bottom, he squeezed him against his own body, making Gon groan

-n- no… - he cried in a louder voice. Yet his hands were still around Killua's neck. He wanted him to stop. He really wanted to. He was too scared of Alluka waking up and seeing them like that. "This doesn't feel right. But… why… why can't I move? Why can't I speak properly?", he thought with guilt

Killua's hands now found their way under Gon's pants, making him moan loudly this time

-st-stop…please- said Gon while pulling Killua's hair

Killua looked at him. He was panting, his eyes still closed, holding a tear. His thick eyebrows frowned in pain by trying to repress his excitement and mixed feelings of guilt and pleasure. Killua interpreted this as a sign of disgust…

 _"what the hell am I doing?..."_ Killua opened his eyes widely and suddenly stopped touching him. Gon was still breathing heavily but he opened his eyes, resting his forehead on his friend's chest.

"I am an idiot…how can I do this to the person I love the most?" Killua closed his fist, so hard to the point that he made it bleed _"I have been selfish, enjoying myself while not thinking about how he could feel"_

He gently moved Gon aside and silently moved to the corner, sitting against the wall next to the fireplace. He hid his face between his legs so that Gon could not see him cry. _"I'm such and idiot…I do not deserve to be his friend"_ he thought as he gritted his teeth, sinking his nails in his own arms.

Gon was still sitting in the same position, looking at the other side of the room. He was too scared to move or look at Killua. He did not understand what had happened

 _"was it something I did?...was it… because I told him to stop? Or because I did something he didn't like?"_

He was left in uncertainty and self-doubt. After all, he was the one who had started the whole situation by kissing Killua in the first place. _"Maybe I went too far and now Killua is regretting it…this is not right, and it is all my fault"_ he thought, panicking with the thought of his best friend hating him. Moreover, he was scared of this own new feelings and sensations he had felt, not a clue about what was going on with himself. He never thought of Killua in any other way than a dear friend. He was not even sure he felt something different now.

He finally laid down and tried to sleep. Killua had left his jacket there, Gon held on to it tight. He was shaking, but he did not feel cold anymore…

* * *

 _ **Author's note:** Ok so that was way faster that I expected for an update lol. But it only needed some editing since I wrote it with the last chapter. That is why the name of this chapter seems a bit lazy to be honest, but I wanted it to have a sense of continuity with the previous one. Next chapter will be the last, and will take only a bit longer to update, since I still need to write it. Hope you enjoy!_


	4. Ways of loving

**Chapter 4: ways of loving**

When Gon woke up Killua and Alluka were already up. He rubbed his eyes and watch them move things around in the old dusty cupboards, searching for something

-here brother! I found some soup- Alluka handed him over a couple of cans  
-great. There are some more with fruit over here. That should be good for breakfast-

Gon observed them in silence as they prepared breakfast. Everything seemed just exactly as it was yesterday. But Gon couldn't help staring at Killua in silence, his eyes unconsciously looking for any sign of awkwardness in Killua's expression.

-oh you are up- Killua suddenly realized, turning to him and smiling

-uh huh…- he nodded, a bit hesitant

-good morning!- Alluka greeted cheerfully

-morning- Gon smiled as he got up from the couch- can I help?

-don't worry we are done. Just take a seat here and enjoy your breakfast- said Killua kindly

-thanks…- Gon sat at the table. _"I might be just paranoid, but why do I feel like he is being so… formal? Almost distant?",_ he thought, his eyes still fixed on his friend.

They finished their breakfast quickly. All the talking done mostly by Alluka. Once they were done Gon stood up to clear the table, but Killua stopped him

-its ok Ill do it-

-No it's fine I want to help- Gon stood behind him and took the plate from his hands, touching Killua's shoulder with his chin by accident.

\- I said I got it- Killua raised his voice aggressively, taking away the plate from his hands. Gon was too afraid to say anything else

 _"This will be a long week_ " he thought, looking through the window at the white mantle of snowflakes covering everything outside.

After they cleared the table Gon decided he will train a little, hoping Killua would join him. But to his disappointment, Alluka and her brother found a set of cards to play with.

They got bored very quick. So did Gon. He was just not concentrated enough to train his nen, being in the same room as Killua did not help.

Alluka looked outside, wishing she could go out.

-Alluka, do you know how to read?- Gon asked from across the room

-of course I do, I'm not stupid. Why do you ask?-

-there is a bookshelf over there, maybe we can find something interesting-

Killua had a thought. What if there was something related to the nen exorcist in this house? Even more, what if this house belonged to him? Gon had the same thought, and both of rushed to the bookshelf.

Unfortunately, there was nothing. Just a couple of classic literature books, an incomplete encyclopedia and some botanical guides. There was only one book that did not have anything on the cover or label, which caught both their attention. They reached for the book at the same time, making their hands touch. Killua was overwhelmed

-sorry- he quickly removed his hand and turned his back at Gon

-it's ok…- Gon was not even sure what he was apologizing for, but he felt that was the right thing to answer. He opened the book, and stared at it with disappointment

-oh, its just a map of a city-

-oh, I see- Killua said without turning to him. He walked away toward Alluka, who was carefully watching the scene. She could feel something was not right but couldn't tell what it was.

-brother! - she said cheerfully leaping into his arms- can you read me a story?-

-sure-

Gon kept looking through the books, trying to find a note or something between the pages.

Nothing.

But he needed to keep his mind busy. All he could think of was Killua's voice reading a story

-brother can I sit on your lap?- Alluka had already moved without waiting for Killua to answer. She smirked at Gon to make him jealous. But to her surprise Gon was spacing out, his eyes fixed on the bookshelf yet he didn't seem to be looking at anything in particular. This was no fun for Alluka.

She placed her arms around her bother's neck

\- Gon-kun look, Killua is mine right now and there is nothing you can do about it-

Gon instantly looked as he heard Killua's name. Alluka was kissing him on the cheek.

He instantly felt his stomach twisting in a tight knot. Suddenly that room turned into the place he least wanted to be at that moment. He thought of his own lips feeling Killua's face and lips. And he felt sick. _"it is true, he is yours and I can't do anything about it"_ he thought, but nothing came out of his mouth except a fake smile. Gon was no liar, and we got caught. Alluka frowned at him as he looked away.

-I am going out for a walk- Gon said rushing to the door- I might even get us some food

Killua did not turn or answer. He waited for the sound of the door closing behind him and then he sighed, lost in his thoughts.

He suddenly felt a smack on his head

-ouch! what the heck was that for?- Killua rubbed his head and gave Alluka an dirty look

-what did you do to Gon-kun brother! - She looked at him defiant and upset. Killua could not tell if she was about to cry or hit him again.

-shut up, it's none of your business...- he looked away and he immediately regretted the harshness of his own words. He was so upset that he was taking it on Alluka and she did not deserve that. He knew it yet he was too upset, he felt anything else he could say would only make it worse.

She did not hit him again, but she broke down in tears

-brother you are an idiot sometimes-

Killua felt guilty for speaking like that to her, but right now he just couldn't deal with more confrontation. He thought it was better to let things cool down a bit. That, or maybe he was just too scared to face his feelings.

He sat by the fire and stared at the icicles in the window, praying for Gon to be ok.

* * *

The clock hanging from the wall observed sinister, its handles steady, just like the people in the room. Time seemed frozen, except for the fire that hit the wood fiercely from time to time. A mild sound of growling caught his attention, only to discover it came from its own stomach. He suddenly remembered Alluka was there too, and only moved when he wondered if she was hungry. He looked at his phone

 _"3 hours"_

He looked though the window. Gon was not back yet.

Alluka woke up when she heard her brother moving. He sat by her side

-hey- he gave her a sweet smile- are you hungry?

She turned her face away from him and ignored him. Killua suddenly remembered he had yelled at her and wished she forgot about it

-come on let's play cards- he patted her head, trying to sound enthusiastic

She turned to her other side, and when she did, he could see her upset face

-hey… I'm sorry I said mean things to you earlier - his eyebrows curled in a painful gesture, resting his forehead on her back

She tried to resist but she was too soft when it was about Killua

-brother you are an idiot- she turned to him with watery eyes

-I know. I am the greatest idiot. I'm so sorry I treated you like that- he vowed at her in a sign of apology

-no! Not just for that. I'm not mad at you only for that reason- she frowned at him, and he answered with a puzzled look

-you are making Gon-kun sad-

Killua opened his eyes wide, terrified to think that she was observant enough to know what was going on. But what terrified him the most was he was not certain about exactly how much she knew

-Alluka how do you…-

-I don't know what happened but you did something that is making him sad...-

Killua bit his lip, making it bleed a little. The taste of his blood was almost as bitter as the guilt he felt

-you are right... I am a fool. I hurt Gon and now he hates me... I'm sorry Alluka, I'm not a good example as a big brother-

-no! That's not what I'm trying to say! I mean you are making him sad somehow, and when he is sad you also get sad. And that makes _me_ sad! So make it stop please!-

Killua stared at her speechless, impressed by how this childish logic was so accurate. Alluka used his silence to continue scolding him

-I don't care what you did or what he did, but it can't be anything as bad to make you hate each other. I'm sure is something very dumb. No matter what you do Gon will never hate you, silly-

Killua took a moment to process these words. Certainly, Gon had never hated him for anything he had done. And he had done horrible things before. Come to think about it, he didn't even mind him being an assassin when they met. Why would he hate him for giving him some love demonstration?

He suddenly felt even more stupid than before.

-you are best friends, you argue all the time and then solve things out and everything is as good as always. That is what you do-

 _"But the problem is that I don't think anything will be like it was before ever again",_ Killua said to himself

Alluka saw the pain and doubt in Killua's eyes

-just go and talk to him! He is probably being a bigger idiot than you and hiding out somewhere because he doesn't want to argue with you either, and he doesn't know how to fix things-

-Right! he has been out all this time!- he suddenly realized Gon had been out there by himself for almost 6 hours. He watched the wind brutally shacking and bended the trees, and he panicked

He rushed to the door. With one hand on the handle already he quickly turned to Alluka

-don't go out, please. Promise me you will wait for me here no matter what!-

-but...

-NO MATTER WHAT-

She looked at him, concerned, but nodded

\- I will be back, I'll bring him back-

Alluka stood there staring at the door.

* * *

It was freezing. The cold hit like a hundred knives stabbing up to the bones. But worse was the wind, lifting gusts of snowflakes in different directions. He could not see more than 5 meters away. He was panicking. _"How could Gon survive here for 6 hours out here if he can hardly tolerate the cold even indoors"_ .

This made him think of last night, bringing back the memory of Gon hugging him around his waist, looking for warmth. Back to the feelings of guilt and pleasure, invading him. Back to the reason why Gon ran away into the cold. Guilt. All he could feel was guilt. Guilt and cold.

There he was again, worrying. Worrying about Gon. Trying to fix what he messed up.

These thoughts were suddenly put behind. He could feel a strong aura. He followed into that direction immediately, breaking through the thick walls of icy wind. After a while, a second aura appeared, several kilometers away. He froze

 _"Which one is Gon?_ " Moreover _"Who or what was that other Aura? Friend or foe?"._ He suddenly remembered Alluka was by herself in the cabin, and the aura was heading in that direction

 _"Shit"_ he stopped _"what if its Illumi?"_ panic invaded him for a second again. Then he had a second thought _"wait, what if it's the nen exorcist?"_

Both auras were moving in different directions. He had to choose. There was no more time.

His thoughts were as clear as his sight. Blank. His feet stuck in the snow. No time, no response. _"do I follow the one that could be Gon? But that would mean we will loose our chance to get the nen exorcist, or even worse… that second aura could be Illumi and I left Alluka unprotected… should I follow the second one and let Gon alone? But what if he dies? What if we can't find his body and his nen is gone? We would never find out…"_

He tried to think as rationally as he could, but neither of the outcomes were bearable for him. The was no more time… the second aura had suddenly faded.

 _"it can't be… was that… Gon? Is he…?"_

And then that blank in his mind turned slowly into blackness…

His eyes glanced a strange, monstrous figure before him, and then he fainted

* * *

When Killua woke up he did not recognize where he was. The first thing his eyes encountered was an extremely low ceiling, covered by a thick layer of moss. He looked around and the place and thought it looked nothing like a room, his eyes finally met with the strange figure sitting next to him.

-Gon! Are you ok!?- he spoke as he sat on the ground next to him, trying not to hit his head

-take it easy, I'm ok-

\- but…but that strange silhouette, what was that?- Killua recalled

-oh, that was probably just me carrying a big deer I hunted-

-but how…? Are you not hurt? Are you not cold? You didn't get frostbite or anything?-  
\- stop worrying about me, look at yourself...-

Although he was happy to hear his friend was worried about him

-it's nothing- Killua said, indifferent- I rushed outside and forgot I hadn't eaten anything for hours, plus the cold and the stress, I probably just fainted out of stress…-

Gon sighed, and then suddenly raised his voice

-what were you thinking going out in a storm like this?-  
-what?! What are you talking about! You shouldn't be out here in the first place! You are the less fit to scold me right now!- Killua leaned over him, shortening the distance between them, grabbing Gon by his jacket's collar

-I'm allowed to risk my life for you, but you are not!- Gon had also taken Killua by his clothes, shortening the last distance between them. Their noses touching, lips almost touching

Killua froze for an instant, his eyes turned suddenly dark and sad. He turned away from him, letting go off him

-that is something very stupid and selfish to say...- his voice sounded dry and sore

The "room", if it could be called a room, was easily filled with silence.

-where are we by the way?- asked Killua, not even trying to hide the upset tone of his voice

\- I found this shelter in the roots of a big tree. I noticed some of the animals hid from the cold like this, so I thought it could work for me too-

-Tsk…what where you doing here anyway...are you tired of us already? Are we so boring to hangout with? - Killua asked sarcastically. He instantly knew how mean he sounded, but the words where coming out of his mouth without permission very often today

Gon winced at this comment, but he tried his best not to burst in rage, for that would only make things worse.

\- for your information... I was hunting us some dinner. Besides, I just felt like going for a walk-  
-right in the middle of a snow storm...- Killua looked at him with dead fish eyes, suspicious

Gon frowned but said nothing _"at least he is back to normal enough to tease me"._ He felt a little bit at ease somehow.

The place was so small they could barely sit without bending. They had to fit their legs in a way they could both stretch, almost tangled. Sitting that close to Killua made Gon suddenly think about how their bodies where so intimate the night before, recalling his friend's hands gently touching his back.

He blushed and shook his head, trying to make those thoughts go away. But it was hard to do so when he was looking at him. He looked away and slowly tried to take some distance, but by doing so he accidentally placed his hand on Killua's hand.

Killua was not looking at him, so Gon could not see him blush by that touch. Instead, he saw Killua remove his hand quickly and turn his back at him.

Gon stared at his back with a painful look. _"I knew it... he is still mad at me"_

They both went silent again. Outside, the wind hit the trees violently

-Gon I'm…-

-I'm sorry-

-…sorry-

They both spoke at the same time, and looked at each other puzzled

-what?- Killua asked, almost angry - why are you apologizing? You did nothing wrong-

\- but I must have... otherwise why would you be mad at me?

\- Gon you are... you don't understand a thing... ever...- he looked down, upset

Gon had never seen him this upset. He was scared to keep talking and asking uncomfortable questions, but he was more scared of Killua staying mad at him. He took a deep breath before he spoke

-yeah, I don't understand a thing - he spoke firmly- I'm dumb and ignorant and have no experience in lots of things like you do, alright. But I speak things clearly, I don't go hiding my feelings from the people I love. So as I don't understand a thing...do you care to explain what's going on with you?-

-I can't...you wouldn't...-

-I wouldn't what? Do you think me such a bad friend that I couldn't understand you?-

He knew he was pushing him way too far, he could tell by Killua's face.

Killua could no longer hold in all his emotions. He was scared. Scared of Gon rejecting him, scared of his own feelings.

 _"What if I'm just confused? What if I love him so much as a friend that I've mistaken it for something else?"_

He was feeling guilty, not only for enjoying what he did to Gon, but for not regretting it at all.

But most of all he was mad. Mad at himself, for not being able to express himself, not only now but every other time. He did not think of how Gon would feel when he didn't tell him what he was truly thinking. It was as if Killua did not trust him enough to let him know he was hurting him

But he was also mad at Gon for being so selfish and clueless. Gon was impulsive and was part of his personality, ok, but that didn't make it ok.

-Gon you idiot!- his voice broke. Tears struggled to remain inside his eyes

Gon moved back little, afraid Killua would hit him.

 _"In the end is still my own fault"_ Killua concluded. _"If I don't tell him anything, how can he have a clue of what going in with me..."_ he looked at Gon's concerned face _"in the end, we are best friends...and I'm not acting like a friend"_

Killua put his fist up with rage and paused for a second, Gon was stunned and confused at his friend's multiple reactions. But he was prepared to take that hit _"if that is the only way I can help you feel better…"_

But to his surprise, Killua directed his fist with fury to his own face. One time, two times. Three. He only stopped when Gon grabbed him by the arm

-stop it! What are you doing!? - he grabbed his arm with one hand and held his fist with the other  
-its my fault! Leave me! Go away! I don't even deserve to be your friend! -

Next thing Killua could feel was the clean sound of a slap, followed by intense pain. He could feel his right cheek slowly burning.

-I am tired of hearing that!- yelled Gon, his voice shaking - not from you too Killua...not from you …-

Killua's hands slowly gave in. Gon held them between his own hands

-This isn't like you, Killua, it's painful to see you like this. Please, stop…-

-Gon...- the tears in Killua's eyes finally fought their way out. Now they burst out like a fountain, streaming down his face one after another.

Gon froze for an instant. That was the fist time he had ever seen him cry.

The very thought of it make him deeply sad. He could empathize with him, thinking how hard it must be for him right now. And thinking about how many times Killua have probably wanted to cry but he didn't, and how many times had Killua seen him cry.

He stared at his friend's face. His look, once sharp and sly, now fragile and defenseless. It was tearing his heart.

Gon held him tight against him and Killua hid his face in Gon's chest. He had never felt so protected by someone, nor he ever knew how much he needed to be held like that. His breath suddenly rose, overwhelmed by such warmth. He broke down in tears, drowning his weep in his friend's chest. His hands desperately held on to Gon's chest, trembling, like he was too afraid to let go. His voice as he cried made such a painful sound, that Gon had to restrain himself from joining him. This time he had to be strong for the both of them. He thought as he quickly wiped his tears and held Killua's head gently against his chest.

After a moment, Killua hugged him by his waist, sobbing. Once he ceased crying, he sat on his knees and wiped his tears with his sleeve. His eyes still sad, his cheeks slightly red

-I'm... I'm sorry- he sobbed- this is so embarrassing, I'm such a mess... I caused all this trouble and now you are comforting me. How pathetic- he laughed sarcastically

-you caused no trouble- Gon gave him a comforting smile, although his eyes still looked concerned  
-I'm sorry, Gon. About…you know, about last night. I'm sorry if I did something that made you uncomfortable-  
-no listen, I am sorry. I started it the whole thing and then I made things weird between us-  
-no, no, you didn't do anything wrong. It was me-  
-but then why did you leave? I must have done something…-

Killua tried to remember. Why did he stop? He then recalled Gon's painful face and the feeling of shame upon himself. He looked away, embarrassed

\- I am a bad person sometimes, Gon. I'm a bad friend. I hurt you-  
-what are you saying?-  
-Gon, what I did to you… I enjoyed it. I loved everything we did and would do it again…-

-that doesn't make you a bad person, idiot- he hit his forehead with his fingers. And then looked at him thoughtful

\- wait, so you…liked it?- Gon suddenly blushed by asking this  
-did...you?- Killua asked, a bit shy  
-well...its hard to say. I couldn't say I enjoyed it because I was too scared, but I definitely didn't dislike it-

Killua felt how his blood slowly ran to his cheeks

-Then you are not mad at me for...all of that? -  
-what? No! I thought you were mad at me, that's why you were acting all weird-

Killua sighed

-you don't get it Gon... I like you-

Gon's expression did not change

-I like you too Killua. You are my favorite person in the world-

-no Gon, I mean... I love you. I want to be with you... – his whole face was now vibrantly red

-and I love you too, Killua. What wrong with that?-

Killua paused, Gon noticed a subtle sign of anger in him.

-its frustrating! You have it so easy, saying this kind of things...You know how hard it is for me?! And you are not getting a word of what I'm trying to tell you! Don't make say more, I've said enough already! - he looked at his feet blushing, he could feel his ears burning red

-but explain to me! I'm trying to understand! - Gon had leant forward, getting close to him. His eyes showed genuine concern and curiosity

Killua looked up, a little intimidated by Gon's determination. The more he leaned back, the more Gon leaned over him. Killua looked away again

-I mean… I love you more than just as a friend-

-well, you are more than just a friend to me. You are my best friend-

 _"How can I get this guy to understand"_ Killua's eyebrow raised involuntarily, like it did every time he was pissed

\- Gon I want to do things with you... things like we did last night...- he still could not look him in the eyes

-I already told you I don't mind that! It's ok because it's you. Besides, I wouldn't do that with all of my friends. I wouldn't do that with Kurapika or Leorio- he felt awkward thinking about that

-that's right- Killua suddenly had an idea- the way I love you is more like how Kurapika loves Leorio-

-yeah I love them too, but not as much as I love you because you are my best friend-

Killua pulled his own hair in frustration

-that's not what I mean you idiot! ...I mean, there is different kinds of... love. Like for example how Morel or Knov love Netero-kaichou… is not the same as Leorio and Kurapika love each other

-oh I see. I get it now-

-…do you?-

-yeah, Morel and Knov's love for Netero-san is based on admiration. But Leorio and Kurapika love each other as partners and equals-

-that's… not it- Killua facepalmed – listen, Kurapika and Leorio always do what we did yesterday but they also... -

He whispered something at Gon's ear, which made him blush violently

-eh? why…. since when... how do you know that?-

-honestly how clueless can you be Gon?- Killua raised an eyebrow- that's just normal for lovers to do. Don't tell me you never noticed those too are together-

-K...Killua... is that what you want to do with me- he asked shyly as he played with his fingers

-that's not what I said! I'm not that perverted you know?!-

Gon then turned to him with a serious look

-all I know is I love you, Killua. You are my partner, my equal. There is nobody as special as you. Even if you are stronger and smarter than me, I always want to be with you, and work to be better every day so that I'm not left behind… and I know this is how we are, I break things and you fix them, you fix them in silence and you have a hard time talking about your thoughts and feelings, and then I don't pay attention to how you feel. That's not ok, we are not ok, but that's how we are. We are only kids trying our best, and one day we will be at our best. But for now, I just want to stay by your side for a bit longer-

He paused a second to look at Killua's reaction. He was staring in silence, processing his words

-So yes. I love you, Killua. I don't fully understand all the different ways to love someone, but I do know that what I feel for you is special, and that you are the person I care most about-

Killua's eyes were filled with tears again, this time tears of joy. He fought them successfully, and gave him a big tight hug.

 _"I guess some things just need to be spoken sometimes"_ Gon thought as he held him

They let go, and Killua peeped outside. The wind seemed to have stopped

-look! the storm is over. I think is safe to go now...-

\- Killua- Gon called his name in a sweet voice. When he turned to him, Gon suddenly kissed him on the lips.

-ok I'm ready to go now- Gon smiled, intending to move. But before he could, Killua grabbed his arms and pulled him against him, making him sit on his lap. He tilted his head gently to kiss him tenderly. Gon instantly answered that kiss and wrapped his arms around his friend's neck, playing with his hair.

Killua's heart pounded fast, filled with joy. He thought his heart would come out from his mouth at any time. There was no room in his mind for anything that wasn't Gon at that moment. His taste, his feel, his scent. He let himself get lost in this feeling.

Gon could feel the same thousands of birds fluttering around in his stomach, but now multiplied by ten. He wished that moment would never stop.

Gon had the incredible skill of getting the hang of things very fast. Kissing was not an exception. The way he played with his mouth was driving Killua crazy.

Killua took him to the ground, grabbing his wrists, and slowly began to kiss his neck. Gon let out a sigh, Killua looked up and could see his face showed nothing but pleasure. He continued kissing his chest, and wondered how the rest of his body would feel. He just wanted to fill him with kisses. He continued all the way down to his navel.

-waah, Killua!- Gon suddenly stopped him

-what? There is no one watching. I'm just kissing you-

-it's not that… it's just…- He covered his mouth with his hands, not sure weather to keep talking or not

-what?-

-It's just, I feel like all the fluttering in my stomach has gone… down _there-_

It took Killua a second to realize what he meant

\- Don't say such things so openly!- Killua was red from his toes to his hair

-But it's true! Or are you going to tell me that it doesn't happen to you?-

-Oh my god! I don't want to continue with this conversation!-

-why not? -

-of course it happens but you can't just say it out loud like that!-

-why? It's only natural. Let me see…-

-WHAT!? No! Are you insane?!-

Gon leaned over him and tried to undo his belt. Killua fought him desperately. He might appear to be very sassy and sly to most people, but deep down he was a very shy. And Gon knew this.

-don't be shy, I'll show you too-

-no! get away!-

They struggled and argued until it turned into wresting

Right in the middle of it, Alluka appeared in front of them

-why are you guys taking so long?- she said in a sleepy voice. He paused to yawn- what is that game? Can I play?-

-no! we are not playing! Gon is just being very silly- Killua tried to get away from Gon's leg hold

-then what is it?- she asked, curious

\- It's… It's… something….-

-Don't worry Alluka-chan, we were just checking something, but Killua is making a big deal out of it as always. I was just trying to see how Killua's…-

-SHUT YOUR MOUTH!- Killua had covered Gon's mouth with his hands- you can't say that to a her-

-brother I want to play with you too- Alluka jumped to join them. Gon found it cute and laughed

-stop laughing! And you stop that Alluka! It's not appropriate right now!-

He pushed both of them out of the shelter.

It was still freezing outside, but the wind was gone. Gone grabbed the deer he had caught and threw it on his shoulder with little effort. He started walking back to the cabin, followed by Alluka and Killua.

-see I told you it was going to be the same as usual- Alluka smiled at her brother

\- thank you, Alluka- Killua smiled back, patted her head and kissed her on the forehead

She felt her heart was melting

-brother… since you can't marry me, I will give you permission to marry Gon-kun-

-wha-what are you taking about?! Where do you get such weird ideas?- Killua asked alarmed, hoping Gon didn't hear that conversation. He tried to change the subject

-More important, how did you get here so fast by the way?-

-oh? Nanika was worried so she brought us to you-

-I see…-

But Alluka was not going to drop the other subject

-well- she sighed- if you don't want him, then perhaps I will marry Gon-

-NO WAY!- Killua yelled so loud that Gon could hear him. He had stopped to wait for them- No one is marrying anyone here! We are all too young to talk about these things!-

-Killua! Alluka-chan! Hurry up! Lets make a nice dinner!-

-yay! Brother come on!- Alluka held his hand and they ran to Gon

Gon held his other hand, so naturally he didn't even look at him. But Killua did. Gon was smiling. So was Alluka. And that was enough to make him smile again.


End file.
